People say some pretty lame things sometimes without thinking. They are just curious but Marquez is getting to the age where things don't just go over his head anymore. He understands what the questions are implying. That he looks different than us. That all of them do. But why do people have to constantly be reminding him of that with their endless questions? Obviously I didn't give birth to them, but they are calling me Mom. Can't you hear them? Why do you need to know the details when you don't even know us and will probably never see us again? I'm talking perfect strangers at stores waiting in line to check out. I know, I know, I'm sure this doesn't come as a surprise. Here are a few of the questions we've received:"Why did you have to go buy a baby?" (from the 5 year old neighbor girl)
"Are these all your kids?" (in line at Ross. No, I rented them.)
"Where did you get her from? (Pointing to Nyah. After explaining that she is adopted from Ethiopia, the lady then proceeded to point to Makaylee and ask me then where did I get her from-as Makaylee is standing right there, listening. Poor Makaylee. She just knows that I am her mom. Period. Nobody asks other mothers standing in line where they got their kids from. But just because we have different skin colors it is okay to ask this?!
"Where is her real mom?" last time I checked I am not plastic
"Is this a birthday party?" No. "Oh, you guys run a daycare?" No. (someone approached me and my friend who has adopted while we were sitting down eating at McDonalds)
"How much did she cost?" (from an adult neighbor)
Maybe I am just being overly sensitive. I've heard stories of questions way worse than these. Now all these questions are perfectly harmless and information seeking only. It just becomes annoying when the validity of us being a family seems to always be in question. But I guess that is what you sign up for with transracial adoption. I actually like answering people's questions when it is just Nyah and I. If Nyah can plant the seed for adoption in someone's heart and another child in an orphange gets a forever family, that is great! I don't mind being the poster child for adoption, but don't ask me questions in front of the kids. I worry about their feeings.
Unfortunately you cannot help what people will say - bluntly, for that matter. I have heard some pretty stupid things too.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to say what the kids will think as they grow up. I know plenty of friends that struggled with being adopted and plenty of friends who were ok with it. Just like you can't help what people say, you can't help the reasons why they needed to be adopted. but.. there is hope. it's important to constantly remind them that you are their parent the world doesn't understand adoption and how to love what didn't come out of you.
I think that your reaction is also important. I don't know what is ok, but if you seem upset, but then never talk to the kids afterwards they might get confused.
All to say - you are doing a great job. Just keep telling the kids you love them and be open to them and what questions they might have later. and ask God to give you an appropriate response for those types of questions. :)
PS. Great family picute!
ReplyDeleteHi Jill,
ReplyDeleteYou are a great blogger... and a great mother!
So... about the questions... just tell them that sometimes adopted kids are even more wanted and more loved than biological ones... and yours certainly are both loved and wanted greatly! :)
I think the kiddos will do just fine with it if you and Orin do.
I agree that your response is very important.
Love you!
Dad
Jilly,
ReplyDeleteSometimes people just don't have the same filter as others. And some people just don't understand that race really doesn't matter when it comes to loving and caring for a child. Black, white, purple or green, we are all God's children and every last one of us need loving and caring parents. I agree with the above comments, just keep talking to your kids about it, let them know you love them with words and actions, and they'll be fine. It's important that you keep those lines of communication open with them when they are ready and able to understand the differences between you. Yeah, your skin color isn't the same, but your hearts and souls are - and that's what's important.
You have a beautiful family. I'd like to meet them all sometime!
**hugs and kisses*
Aims
LOL!! I can SO relate! When I am out with Ruby and Roman, I now allow myself at least 15 extra minutes to field questions and comments...usually they are positive and most people just want to tell me how beautiful my babies are...but every once in awhile I'll get a doozy!!!
ReplyDeleteWhen they are rude or inappropriate, I will chuckle and say something politely sarcastic back...like your comment "Am I plastic?"...it works well and they get the point because I say it w/ a *grin*...and of course, I consider their complete lack of tact and realize they are uneducated. Poor dears! Our families can change the way others think and I think that is just one amazing part of blended families.
I hope to see you at the next Dove function!!